Episode 29: The Bridge Episode

Episode Summary

After two deeply personal episodes, I needed a bridge before we return to wedding talk. This week I’m sharing what it feels like to release a story I’ve held close for years, and why saying it out loud can feel both freeing and vulnerable. We talk about sobriety, shame, and the work that happens behind closed doors so that life on the outside can look effortless. I’m also reflecting on the choices, therapy, and support that helped me move forward. If this conversation helps one person feel less alone, that’s why I’m here.

Let’s Connect

julianleaver.com | @julianleaver

Resources

Full Episode Transcript

I think for the last two weeks, it's, it just feels like a very, like that my insides are on my outsides. And, and I kind of don't know what to do with those feelings either. Really honestly, this has been us filming this podcast for now a year, right? You, the audience have not been with us for a full year because it took six months to film everything. And then it also took six months of me going back and forth of saying, yes, we're going to do this. No, we're not going to do this.

Yes, we're going to do this. No, we're not going to do this. Yes, we're going to do this. And then it ended up on yes. And it's been so fun to have it be, yes, because it's like stuff I've never thought I would explore in a public setting. It's like really ripping the bandaid off of a lot of different emotions and feelings and processes in a lot of ways of like the business side of things, the personal side of things. I don't know. It feels weird. I feel exposed because I think

I have always remained aloof because aloof has worked for me because aloof has let me just keep my circle very small and I don't know and just not put all of this out there in some ways. In some ways part of like weirdly in a kind of messed up way, like talking like we have here the last two weeks has felt a little bit like letting go of control of a story that I've held on to for a really long time. And it's like, I've known I needed to let go of that. But I didn't realize

that letting go of it would feel like all kinds of different ways. I think I thought it would all just be like, okay, it's instantly better. But what it actually I think has done is mixed up all the feelings. And now I'm like trying to figure out where they all go. I'm also going to do it in front of the 400 people publicly. I need to just let it go. I need to put it out there. The secret. I just have to release the the control of it. Like the emotion of it. It's true. Like all of this stuff

just bubbles up and bubbles up. And then like, usually I deal with it privately in therapy. It's funny. I was like listening to that episode, like Emily Clarke’s first episode. And it's like, why this podcast and why this podcast now, right? And it's almost the same, right? Like why this topic and why this topic now? I think because interestingly, it like it just informs every decision that I've ever made. It's literally the bedrock of my entire existence. And so releasing that or putting that out in the world and working through that shame in a public way is very weird.

And I think also, I need we need to address why is it anyone else's business even? Like why am I even talking about that here? And I think the reason that I'm talking about it here is because we don't ever talk about it. No one ever talks about it. And so you can't get help if no one ever admits that anything is wrong. Someone the other day said, you make this look so easy all the time. And I don't know where that comes from. I really think it must have to do with my birth sign

to be honest. I'm a Libra, right? So there's balance in all things and I'm always trying to strike this balance of it looks effortless and also the most all at the same time. And those are two very interesting dichotomies and someone even said to me on Instagram, Oh my God, you must be so excited that WIPA, WIPACon is coming and that you're going to have a break. And please tell me you don't have anything after this and you're just going to rest. And I literally wrote back and said, Oh no,

I get on a plane the following Sunday to produce another event on another coast. And that's just how I've always operated. And in some ways, this like the last two weeks of episodes have felt very much like a normal operating speed for me. I've just okay, I have to tell you all this information. And yes, it's going to be overwhelming. And yes, it's going to be a lot to process, right? And it's a lot to process for you listening to it. It's a lot for me to

process myself personally. And I don't know right now where all the boxes, it's like I went into my closet and I took everything down and threw it all on the floor and shook it up. Nothing is in its place anymore in a weird way. And I think we all do that sometimes. I don't think I do it very often, but this time feels very like significant. And I don't know where to put all the things back right now, because it's dirty. And I have a hard time, like having things like sit. I think it's a mess

because my whole life, I've been the one that needed to be okay, always, to like function, like to be functioning always to not fall apart, because there wasn't time to fall apart. But it that the stigma is that all of those feelings have been messy. I know that I have to feel all those feelings. And I also know that the only way out is through, the only way out is through. And so feeling all these feelings, putting all of this out there,

that's in a lot of ways, the first step of going through that process of feeling all those feelings. I don't think I have processed really what the last two weeks of episodes looks like. I have to be ready because this has to move forward. I'm thinking it's twofold. Okay, one side is letting this stuff go and putting it out there and releasing the shame of it is really good and really necessary. And then the other side of that is that you've lived with

something for so long that you don't know how to live without that. And I feel like I've been very open about my sobriety journey, which has been great. Honestly, it's been like very releasing in terms of, okay, this is good. And this is things that I can work through. And this is in some ways sobriety is an interesting thing because in one way, it's a gene and it's like being allergic to a peanut, right? That's not actually something that I can change. But then the

consequences of that behavior is on me. The onus of that is on me. The other piece of this, like the abuse piece of this, it has nothing to do with me. That has nothing to do with me. So there's nothing that I could change about my behavior that would change that scenario, even though the two are like intrinsically linked. I don't know why all this is coming up now for me. It's very interesting. I need to look at that a little bit. I have not cried about any of

this. I haven't cried about any of this because in a lot of ways, it's like, I've done a lot of fucking crying about it. Like now it's more just like factual. These are the facts. There's nothing I can really do about these facts. I've worked through them. I've been through so much therapy about them. I've done a lot of crying about them. I feel like it's the last little bit of the shame bubble. It's like back to the higher power. You have to give it back and we all have things like

that. So in some ways, that's the part. That's the part that's the reassuring part of all of it. It's like sometimes you just don't know what to do with the emotions and you just have to say them out loud and then see where the cards fall. A lot of this is like pull back the curtain. I'm like, what it actually is like. It's a struggle every single day. If it can help one person, that's the most important thing. And if it helped you, that's the most important thing.

Because like I always say, if you share with one person, you cut it in half. And then if you share with another person, it cuts it in half again. And this is like sharing with everybody. And then it has no power anymore. Removes the power. It makes it like brings it into perspective. It's like shrinking your ego to size. Like this whole situation feels all very surreal. It's some weird ride. It's intriguing because it's so multifaceted. And it looks at it looks at it from so many

different ways and what it's affecting and what it's not affecting and how it's all playing out, even in the way that this is all controlled as a rollout is not messy. I don't know. It's interesting. It is the it's a very interesting way for me to roll this out. That feels weird. Honestly, I felt like that last week, last week was about me. Last week was just an interesting revelation about fuck me. Wow. How did I miss the cue so badly

on this one? Or how did I distract myself so badly? And not even so badly. Just like how did I forget this? And that's the thing that reminds me that I'm an alcoholic. Okay. That is what that actually that right there is the reminder. Last week was the reminder of Oh fuck. Yo yo, you're still an alcoholic and that doesn't change. That never changes. That's kind of thinking never changes that inability to remember that like why something is

feeling a certain way that's tied directly to that is such alcoholic thinking. Like missing, like waking up and being like, why do I feel lethargic today? And why do I like, why am I like dragging or why am I like having a hard time making decisions or why do I want to watch a movie in the middle of the day, right? Or read a book in the middle of the day or do anything other than the thing that I should be doing. Why am I feeling that way? And

then forgetting that forgetting the reason why is such alcoholic thinking. It's centered around that specific behavior every year. The same thing happens. That's been doing it for 10 years. That's like an alcoholic thing, right? Yes, 100% other people look around and they're like, okay, why am I feeling this way or why? And then you uncover it and then you figure it out. But like the repression of that or like the not like looking at the actual thing and look like trying to fix it

with other things instead is like the alcoholic thinking. Oh, look over there or let's be distracted over this way. But that's the story about alcoholism for me is that nothing changes until something changes. And I think that's also maybe part of all of this, too, is that's actually a lot of it in an interesting way is that like in talking about this, in saying it out loud, in removing the power by saying it all out loud, something changes. And you're not sitting in that anymore.

And you're not sitting in the shame anymore. And you're not sitting in like the fear anymore because you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. So okay, release it. What's the worst thing that could happen? That actually nothing. What's the worst thing that could happen? Literally nothing. Feeling exposed. But that's not a worst thing. That's a better thing. The worst thing that could happen. There's no downside. It's the anticipation of, okay, what am I going to do and

how am I going to put this out there? And what is that going to feel like? But I think that's why I am and have been ready to have this conversation. It's why it's been hanging out there. And we haven't gone really deep into that piece of it is because maybe I wasn't ready to let it go. And now I am. And it's like that, like so much of figuring out that I didn't know what to do with those emotions. Like all of that hold power over you if you don't say it out loud or you don't

push it out there or you don't do anything with it. It just eats at you. So you say it out loud and move on. And we sit here and we talk about it for 30 minutes. And there's something really good about that for me and also for maybe someone else. And also I'm not perfect. That's the other thing is that this whole everything is perfect situation is a joke. And it's not even weirdly something that I ever set out to be. That's just how I operate. It's the operating system that I

have developed for myself to get through life. And weirdly, it's gotten so much not weirdly really. That's the wrong word. Weirdly is the wrong word. It has gotten so much better since I plugged myself into this rocket ship 10 years ago of therapy and getting sober and then went off down the road. And that has made it look even easier. Because the hard work of that is done behind closed doors. It's done in therapy. It's done in a meeting that like everybody is not in, right? It's done with

my sponsor. It's done in all these different places. And so there's a lot of hard work done over there so that this other part, the forward facing part, the relationship with Francisco, my relationship with my family, my relationship with my work colleagues, my work. All to me feels easy because this work over here is so hard. But this is the work that nobody ever talks about because it's like, how do you explain that? How do you explain that to someone?

They're like, it looks so easy. It is easy over here. It is because this isn't, this is not hard. There's not life or death in this situation over here. There's life and death over here. That's a bitch. But this is easy over here. And so I think maybe because I have never gone this deep and let out this much or had this conversation in a more public forum, as opposed to a lot of private one on one conversation that I have all the time with people, it appears like in this industry,

in my work, in whatever that it's easy. But it's not. So in some ways, like that's also part of why this conversation right now, I think, because cool. Now this is out of the way, friends. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about something else. Let's like, this is what this is. You know the motivator. You understand it. You know why we're here. You know why you know all the why. If you want to know more, come find me. Let's have a coffee. Fucking right now. Yeah, it's good. It is. It's like, okay,

this is nothing. This is not hard work anymore. It's literally just telling a story of what it was, what it what happened and what it's like now. And it's different. It's cool. What happened sucked. What changed was that I decided to do the work. It was a choice because I was tired of feeling a certain way. I was tired of things not working the right way that other people seem to have them work. And then in making that shift, it's like it's like a hot knife and butter. Everything feels easy.

It says it is a huge unlock. And you're like, whoo, next level Mario. Here we go. Right? It's like all those secret codes that you would like everyone would search for on the internet for, okay, if you go up, down, up, down, up, down, A, right? And then you could be like, and then you move to the next level like automatically. It's like that. It's pretty wild. The unlock is sick and also like the it's almost like if you're in a maze and then all of a sudden

you put on a different set of glasses and you can see on the ground red arrows pointing you exactly the way that you need to go. If I immediately unlocks it like that. Oh, that's clearly the right choice. And that's clearly the right choice. And this is oh, this is a no brainer because the right choice is like almost more intuitive than it's ever been before. That's pretty cool. And so in some ways of releasing all of this and saying all of this out loud and

just putting it all out there in the universe has just been like, exactly. Accelerate to the next level. Up down, up down A, whatever that code was on that old school, Nintendo controller. I love it. I like the analog of it all because that's what it feels like. I needed to do this episode today.

A The Media Socialites Production